Hey Drew.....All I can do to maybe offer a little bit of help is to tell the story about my friend 'John', a Vietnam Vet.  We met through our local Bushwalking and Outdoor Club about 10 years ago. John was, to all intents and purposes, the total-control 'alpha male' - strong, quiet, self-contained, capable, incredibly self-reliant and never showed any extreme emotional cards to anyone that we ever saw. But he was like a tightly-wound spring. He worked for himself as a builder, looked after his family and was passionate about sky diving and anything in the way of 'extreme sports'. He loved "going bush" by himself as often as he could get away. In fact, I was a bit surprised that he had joined our club as I would have thought we were way too tame for him in regard to wilderness expeditions. I hadn't really had much to do with him as he was very quiet and generally hung out in the shadows at any group events. But one weekend we were both heading off on a long weekend Club walk in the Victorian high country which involved 5 hours or more of driving to get to the starting point. John asked if he could come along with me. I was totally okay with that but I was thinking to myself "how will this go? what am I going to do with this man in my car for 5 hours? What we going to talk about for 5 hours, this quiet, self-contained man and I".  Well, I certainly had no need to worry about that.  From the time I picked him up from home until we arrived at camp in the wee small hours, he hardly shut up.....I was literally gob-smacked! Part of it was because he is much more a one-on-one kind of guy, especially after Vietnam, but it was also perfect timing for both of us. I had been having a really rough time at work and with some personal stuff and for the first time ever had had some personal counselling. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed with how effective and helpful it had all been and, being very much a wear-your-heart-on-ya-sleeve kinda gal, was keen to tell anyone who would listen about how good it was. John was quite shocked to hear that I had been to a counsellor as he, like many of my friends, had thought I was the super-strong, independent, cheerful, optimist who could cope with most things life threw my way (yeah right!). I had also been working with an organisation with close ties with the Department of Veteran's Affairs. John had never made contact with them or any of his fellow vets after returning all those years ago. As I got to know him better, I spoke to one of the counsellors about John (not using his name of course), and she described him perfectly without knowing a thing about him... he was showing 'classic' signs of PTSD. He has since told me that, even though our experiences were poles apart (good grief, my bit of emotional pain compared to his experiences in Vietnam I would think barely rate comparison but it was not my judgement but his.........!?) it still planted a tiny, far-off but hopeful seed for him for the future to know counselling had worked so well for me. But there was no way, at that time, he could even begin to consciously consider going to counselling....to 'give in' or 'show any signs of weakness' or begin to share his experiences with anyone else, especially someone who 'wasn't there'. Knowing what I know now, I realise that John had joined the walking club because his own efforts to deal with the demons from his time in Vietnam were becoming less and less effective....pretty typical from what the DVA people said. And the biggest thing for him was the incredible fear of how far he would go, how out of control he might get, to try to make it all go away. I think fairly subconsciously, he had started to reach out for help from others. He just never would have put it that way. Anyways, to cut a long story short, we (he, me and a small bunch of gloriously fabulous, wonderful, walking friends) went on many more walks together and John relaxed more with each one. He never really opened up about what happened to him but just seemed to learn to let his emotional guard down a bit more as he got to know us better and trust us a bit more. He smiled heaps more and you could visibly see his shoulders soften as we trekked up mountains and sat eating soggy lunches in the rain. It was really nice! But it took years! I left that town 6 years ago and even though I stay in touch with the walking club I haven't seen John in all that time. The story goes on..... and will until it stops.... but I'll finish by saying that last year John and his wife came to stay a night here in my new home. He was like a different man. After all these years (10 or 11 from our first meeting? 35/40 since Vietnam?) he had finally made contact with the Department of Veteran's Affairs and found a fantastic counsellor (thank god!). On their advice and with DVA financial support (he hadn't even found out about that side of things), he had retired from work and was doing lots of things he always wanted to do but without quite so many demons sitting on his shoulder pushing him to the limits all the time. It was sooooooo good to see him like that.
So in answer to your question, Drew, I don't know if there is one answer to help someone accept help. Our friend took 10 years or more and he really found his own path. Maybe we can claim to have helped him start to think a bit differently about how help might come but he had to do it in his own time and his own way and he had to go through an awful lot of really scary stuff before he did it. He was a bit different to the guys you speak about in that he was completely isolated, not even connecting with other Vietnam vets and the veteran's culture, so had nowhere else to run to when things went very very pear-shaped. Maybe some of those guys will never want or be able to be any different because that culture supports them (and thank god at least it does! even if its not always the best thing, it is something!). All we did was care about John and show him how much we enjoyed him being around (and ribbing him about living on army-style rations on bushwalks whilst we dined on camembert and chocolate cake!) and thankfully he was affected, or desperate, enough to use some of that and know he was a good person and deserving of more than he had been giving himself through his own resources. I don't know what to say from there except that it must be an incredibly scary thing to be on the inside looking out and wondering what people are thinking about you and how they will react to you. Maybe I'm an idealist but I think most people do care and want the best. I hope there can be lots of 'John' stories for your guys and that most find some peace at least sometimes.

Sue
PS. Need to say, too, how amazing I thought John's wife was in that she was always completely trusting and supportive of me and the small group of 'us gals' who formed John's (very unofficial) 'support crew'. She never had any need to be anything but that way but many women would have reacted quite differently.  It is testament to the solidity of their relationship and the enormous part she plays in his healing.
I'm hesitating to post this cos I'm sure so many people have so many stories and what do I know anyway......but our friend was and is a very tough, strong man and he made it and that has to be told!